retrieval and transfer

Retrieval was on Thursday, January 21. Things went well and because I opted to go under full anesthesia I pretty much slept the entire day. I was pretty crampy and decided to also take Friday off from work despite it being our busiest time of year.

We got the call on Friday that they were able to get 14 of the 24 eggs fertilized! Going into this I was hoping for at least 8 fertilized eggs so 14 was a good number.

Of those 14 we had two perfect little embryos to transfer on Saturday, January 23. I drank so much water before the procedure (required to have a full bladder) that I had to stop mid-procedure to empty some of my bladder because of cramping. I thought I was going to pee all over the doctor! She had a hard time getting the catheter into my uterus because it's tilted all the wrong ways. This makes me pretty nervous but being nervous wont put my uterus into a normal position.

There they are! Hopefully currently burrowing into their new home for the next 9 months 

After the transfer we went to see a movie (the revenant, meh) at a theater with big leather seats that recline. We walked around Target a bit but other than that I took it easy for the rest of the weekend. The progesterone in oil shots aren't bad, at all. I ice for a couple minutes before and they go right in. I've gotten a rash a few times that lasts all day and the injection site is sore almost all the time but at least it doesn't hurt while I'm doing it. 

My blood test is scheduled for February 3. There's so much anticipation which can totally get the best of me. Dr. Google is my friend/enemy. IVF is all consuming, it's impossible not to go an hour without thinking about all the positives and negatives. This waiting period is going to be extremely hard, especially since the outcome is not guaranteed. If yes, then you have 8 more weeks to hope and pray that you don't miscarry. If no, then what? That makes me sick to my stomach. 

So, here's to 9 more days. 9 more days of unknown. 9 more days of prayer and reflection. 9 more days of dreaming and hoping. 

week 1

Today marks day 7 of meds! My stomach is getting sore & bloated. The cetrotide does not agree with me, I'm currently experiencing nausea + the injection site is still tender.

I met with Dr. Shavell again this morning (yay!) and her med student Spencer. While having extra company in the room is not my first choice, Dr. Shavell was going very slow during my appointment and teaching Spencer all about what we were looking at. This was so helpful to me, as I am learning right along with him. This is by far the longest ultrasound I've had. My follicles are growing but my uterine lining is still on the thin side. Hopefully that will change over the weekend.

I also had to reorder some gonal today since we are progressing a little on the slower side. This cost us an extra $470 which means that each injection of gonal is roughly $115. HUH

Three ultrasounds down... at least two more to go.

Dr. Shavell thinks my retrieval day will be next week Thursday, Friday or Saturday. I pray everything goes well between now and then, and that time passes quickly :) 

four days down...

Last night was the easiest night thus far for shots. It's still annoying and I'd rather not do it but at least it's getting easier. My injection site is sore this morning though for the first time.

I love this picture of my Jersey girl smiling at me :)

Day four meds: 150 units of gonal & one vial of menopur

I had my second ultra sound of the week this morning with Dr. Davis. He said there wasn't a ton of progress from Monday to today so they may call this afternoon and up my dosage. With all the shots and ultrasounds I officially feel like my body now belongs to science.

It's not super clear to me what the next steps are, when we will introduce the other meds, etc. I suppose I could ask but it makes me less anxious to just take everything day by day.

we did it

First and second day of shots, check. Not so bad but I can already tell it's going to get annoying really fast. I'm going to need nightly pep talks to get this done.

The menopur needle goes in easily but the injection stings. The gonal needle is a little bigger but the injection goes in easy.

I had my first ultrasound apt today. 6 follicles on the L ovary and 12 follicles on the R. I finally saw Dr. Shavell again. She is so kind, I'm thankful to have her as my doctor. Hopefully I'll be seeing more of her during this process.

We are one step closer!!

waiting

1 Peter 1:6
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Who likes being told to wait? Especially now in our "need it now" 21st century culture.No one likes being told to wait and for the longest time, I didn't understand that "wait" was an answer. Yes and No are pretty clear but "wait" feels so temporary. I guess in a way it is, but until I accepted "wait" as an answer I continued down this road of agony and anxiousness. A little bit ago I stumbled across a blogger going through IVF, praying to be blessed with her second child. She posted a poem about waiting and it has really changed my outlook on this whole process. 

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; 

Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. 

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . . 

And the Master so gently said, "Wait." 

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. 

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! 

Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? 

By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word. 

"My future and all to which I relate 

Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? 

I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign, 

Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

 "You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, 

We need but to ask, and we shall receive. 

And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry: 

I'm weary of asking! I need a reply." 

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, 

As my Master replied again, "Wait." 

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, 

And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?" 

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . . 

and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. 

I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. 

I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run. 

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. 

You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. 

You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint. 

You'd not know the power that I give to the faint. 

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; 

You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. 

You'd not know the joy of resting in Me 

When darkness and silence are all you can see. 

"You'd never experience the fullness of love 

When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. 

You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, 

But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. 

"The glow of my comfort late into the night, 

The faith that I give when you walk without sight. 

The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask 

From an infinite God who makes what you have last. 

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee, 

What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. 

Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, 

But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you. 

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see 

That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. 

And though oft My answers seem terribly late, 

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Of course I have my moments of doubt, negativity and anxiousness. This poem and that bible verse are two things that bring me back to a good place. So far, this has been my biggest trial in life. Miscarriage, infertility and endometriosis. I want to look back and be proud of how I dealt with it all. I don't want to look back and see a blur of anxiousness and anger. There will be nights of tears and doubt, but over all I want to be at peace with this chapter of our lives. 

I had two blissful weeks off of work for the holidays. The first week was spent in Mexico! We have never vacationed outside of Michigan so this was a much needed break from routine. The second week was spent shopping and being sick ;) While out shopping I came across this sign alongside a building. The other half of the wall says "Success is determined by how you handle it." I want so badly to gracefully handle these setbacks. YES, NO or WAIT. I pray that we are at peace with God's plan and his answer to our prayers. 

moving forward

We went in for my follow up ultrasound on Monday, Dec. 28 with yet another doctor and nurse. I still can't believe that I haven't met the same person twice at this office!

One of my cysts was gone (!) but the other was still hanging around. The doctor wanted to test my estrogen levels to see if this was going to be a problem cyst or not. I got my blood drawn and then had to patiently wait to get those results back. The office called a couple hours later and said the cyst was not estrogen dominant so we were cleared to move forward as planned! Finally. The nurse then started spewing off my injection protocol. These people really just assume that you know what they're talking about and are current with all the abbreviations. Slow down....please.

We start our gonal and menopur on Saturday, January 9. I took my last birth control on Monday, thank God! Birth control does not agree with my body. I'm a little nervous to start the injections but I'm glad we get to ease into them a bit. These first two are done abominably and I can do them myself with a small needle. The injections down the road in the butt are the ones I'm worried about.

I have ultrasounds scheduled for Mon, Wed and Fri the 11th, 13th and 15th of January.

I honestly don't know what to think or feel at this point. It's been over two years of "no" for us. Now we are so invested in this process and there is still a chance that we could walk away with another "no." I said awhile ago that I wanted to be cautiously optimistic about this process. I don't want to assume it will happen for us but I also don't want to bet on it not happening. Being in the middle is a very strange place to be, for me. You cannot pay this amount of money and assume you're going to fail. What would be the point? I'm just so afraid of being positive. It does not come easy to me ;)

I am standing up in a wedding this June. The bride has asked that we pick out our dresses by the first couple weeks in February. I've been casually looking but I don't want to make a decision on this dress until I know if I'm going to be 23 weeks pregnant at the wedding or not. Part of me wants to just buy a dress that I know will fit a 6 month pregnant woman and be done with it. I want to be positive and I want to believe in this but it scares me.

We have been married for 6.5 years now. The longer that time passes the more we get used to life the way it's been. It's so hard for me to even imagine getting that "yes" and finally being blessed with the opportunity to grow our family. Honestly, I can't even picture what it would look like. I just know that it would make me the happiest person in the world. I am so ready to meet baby Zoerhof, it makes my heart hurt.

call me the cyst maker

Maybe it's my hormones, maybe it's just me but I uncontrollably cried the entire way back to work from my appointment today. This is my third visit to the Fertility Clinic and I have yet to see/meet the same person twice. No exaggeration there. New front desk person, new vitals nurse, new ultrasound tech, new ART case nurse, new doctor. Every time. I don't know why this bugs me so much but it's apparent that I'm just a number. A walking statistic. They tell you that you will have the same nurse the entire process but in my experience that's been a bunch of crap. There's comfort in familiar faces and I have yet to experience that.

Additionally, this is the only medical office I've ever visited that doesn't call you to remind you of your appointment. Or remind you that, hey you're going to owe us $6,791 at your next appointment so you miiiiiiiight want to bring a checkbook. I'm less than impressed. I'm frustrated. I'm confused. I feel like everyone around me is speaking another language and I have a constant deer in headlights look on my face. I don't ask questions because I don't know what questions I should be asking.

See ya later

The ultrasound took maybe 5 minutes top. So that's one thing to be thankful for. There is virtually no wait time and all the procedures are quick and easy. I appreciate this but again, they're just shuffling people in and out of there so fast. I'd almost rather wait a little longer to see MY doctor and MY nurse.

My new BFF, isn't she cute? 

Anyway, after my ultrasound I met with nurse _______ (can't remember her name) who nonchalantly shared that I have cysts on both of my ovaries. Hum, what? Can you say that one more time please? I mean seriously, this chick just glossed over that news and proceeded to talk about moving my appointments around and blah blah. I stopped her and said, "I'm sorry, did you say on both ovaries? How big? What does that mean?" Of course this nurse ______ doesn't know a thing about me so why would she expand on the cyst thing. She probably saw my chart for the first time 10 minutes before meeting me and doesn't know that I've already had two surgeries this year to remove cysts. Nonchalantly telling me my cysts are back really upset me. She was just reading words from my chart. I'm not a person, I'm just Zoerhof, Shannon DOB 6/10/87.

These cysts now mean that we have to move our whole schedule around. I will have another ultrasound on the 28th to see if these cysts have grown in size. If they haven't then we will start the injections later that week. If they have.... NO CLUE. I'm guessing if they keep getting bigger that's not a good thing. She didn't even share with me at all what would happen if that was the case.

When we were done meeting she gave me my checkout paper and we went our separate ways. When she was down the hall she turned around and said "Oh wait! Did you guys decide if you were going to do the time lapse photography?" I looked at her with what I'm sure was a dumbfounded look on my face. Listen, you just basically postponed our treatment plan. And now you need me to decide, right now, if we are going to do a time lapse on our embryos which "is an extra $700." We don't even have any embryos to take pictures of. Take a chill pill and just let me go.

I am discouraged. I never thought I would be getting red carpet treatment from these people but I definitely didn't think that I would be feeling uncomfortable, confused and unimportant. So far we have paid roughly $9.600 for this process. I just wish that for how expensive this is, we were being treated a little better. That's all.

Tonight is most definitely going to be spent in the bathtub with a LUSH bath bomb and a whole lotta tears.